Sunday, January 15, 2012

Another Angel get's their Wings

I was going to announce just one week ago, that I was pregnant. We were excited to have a brother or sister for our 3 year old son, Nickalaus. We were about 10 weeks along. Last Sunday, January 8th, I started having another miscarriage. This is the 5th baby we have loss to a miscarriage, and you all know about our son, Benjamin, who was stillborn in 2007.



We were keeping this news mainly to ourselves and family, because my pregnancies are high risk. The pain of loosing a child is more painful than I could begin to explain. We now have 6 angels in Heaven. I do believe that Nickalaus was our miracle baby. I have thrombosis, and must give myself a shot of Lovenox daily during pregnancy. I started the Lovenox the day I found out that we were expecting. On January 6th, when I went to the hospital because of the miscarriage, I found out that I also have a titled cervix and a lot of internal scarring. I've had 2 C-Sections and 2 D&C's, so that would explain the internal scarring. There's so many factors that could have contributed to the loss of this baby, and none of them would make the pain any easier to bear. The hardest thing was telling Nickalaus that this baby had to go to Heaven with bubby [Benjamin]. Nick cried, and so did I. It was the hardest thing in the world. He says he plays with Benjamin, and I believe him. I hope he always keeps that ability, although I know he likely won't. We are all dealing with the loss in our own way. I'm now sick and so is Nickalaus so we've just been lounging around and trying to feel better. Jason and I have decided to not try again. It's just not something I can go through again. The pain is so much and it messes with me mentally. As much as I'd love for Nick to be a big brother, I suppose it wasn't in God's plan. Unless one day we get rich and adopt a brother or sister for him, and those odds don't seem high either.

I decided to share this with my readers, because I am an avid support of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness. I want other parent's to feel like they can publicly talk about the loss of their child, if God forbid that they ever have to experience that pain. Other women need to know that they are not alone when they miscarry. A lot of people want to brush it under the rug, and expect people to just move on. The loss of a life means something some those who loved him/her.

If you've ever lost a child, my heart goes out to you. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. Thank you all for being here and please understand why I haven't been as active. I'm trying to get back into my normal routines, but with the added sickness.. it's not easy. I'm also trying to get my depression medicine back in my system, as I couldn't take it while pregnant. Bear with me, and please pray from my family. This is just one of the many struggles we have faced in the last 2 months. It seems as though the people we care about are being taken from us one by one. First my 2 cousins went back with their mother, we only get them in the summer and Christmas. I haven't told Nick about this, he only thinks they are visiting their mommy. Then my brother Tyler and his girlfriend Jeanette broke up. We loved Jeanette like family, and she has visited me and kept in touch since then. Then I had the miscarriage. Now I found out that my brother Tyler, who is a senior in high school will be going to college in Indiana this fall, instead of staying in Texas. Him and I are close, and he's the only uncle that Nickalaus is really close to. His other uncles work a lot, and Tyler watches him 3 nights a week while I go to meetings. It's hard to feel like everyone who my son loves is being taken from him or leaving him. It's bad enough to have my heart broken, but even worse to have your child's heart broken. The worst part is, there's nothing I can do about it. Just give it to God and let him take care of them all.

Sorry this got so long. I don't really know how to end this. thank you all for your support.


11 comments:

  1. I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I admire that you can so freely talk about it as this will most certainly help other women experiencing the same thing. You are very courageous.
    Stacey of Embracing Change

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  2. so sorry for your loss and the pain that goes with it! Prayers...

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  3. You and your family are in my prayers. Know your angels are in good company.

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  4. Oh Kassandra, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your sweet family in my prayers. You are a truly an inspiration to women everywhere. It's hard to talk about and it takes a strong woman to speak up and let others know that they are not alone. (((hugs)))

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  5. Kassandra, I'm so sorry. You are not alone and, as Crafty Mischief said, you show such strength in writing about your devastating loss. I hope writing and talking about your loss give you some small measure of peace and I hope you'll take as long as you need to grieve and heal. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  6. I found your blog on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope website. I want you to know how sorry I am for your losses. It is devastating and heartbreaking to know you've had to go through this so many times. You really write your feelings beautifully. I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well: www.roseandherlily.blogspot.com

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  7. I found you because our blog names are so similiar. I believe I was meant to end up here today and read about your story so that I can pray for you. It it very courageous of you to talk so openly about your pain and struggles. Please be gentle with yourself and allow others to help and comfort you. Be blessed and know you are in my prayers.

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  8. Thank you Theresa. I appreciate the prayers. Thank you all for your comments. I do believe that I replied to them via email.

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  9. I hope that your already ok, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure that he's watching over you.

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  10. Thank you! I'm okay as I can be. I truly believe he is with us in spirit. Thank you for your kind words :)

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