Thursday, October 13, 2011

Will you remember them??

Some of you may know that October isn't just Breast Cancer Awareness month, it's also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. It's not widely talked about, because who wants to talk about that? The problem is when mother's miscarry, deliver stillborn babies, or loose their child to SIDS, then they have no idea where to turn for support. They feel alone, depressed, and incomplete. I really want to help raise awareness for this cause. Let's remember the babies who left too soon.

That isn't the whole point of this post though, October 15th is coming up this Saturday. Okay, another day for garage sales? No, something far more sweeter. October 15th is international Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. In every timezone when your clock turns 7pm, please light a candle for one hour to remember the babies who have passed. The point of this to to have a constant "Wave of Light" for 24 hours to remember the babies. Let's not forget them, please. I've done this for the last 4 years and have started to include a note for the babies that I'm remembering. If you've lost a child and want me to light a candle for them, leave me the name(s), and I will gladly do so and post the pictures for you.

Why am I telling you about this? How do I know about this? Well, first of all it's a great cause that I think everyone should know about. I know about it from personal experience. I lost my first son, Benjamin, June 11, 2007. He was stillborn. I wrote about his story on his birthday, here.
Me holding Benjamin.
Before I had Benjamin, I had 2 previous miscarriages as well. They made me feel like I was less than a woman. Like I couldn't ever have babies. It was the worse pain ever. The pain was even worse when I lost Benjamin after carrying him for 27 weeks. I wish I could tell you the pain goes away, but it doesn't. It gets easier to deal with. I still have moments when I cry for him. All I want is one more day with him. Benjamin was our hero, he made sure that his little brother Nick made it here to stay with us. 
Nick at Benjamin's grave on Benjamin's birthday.
Benjamin is still a big part of our life. We share pictures with Nickalaus, and tell him about his big brother. Nick says he plays with bubby, and I believe him. There are pictures of Benjamin all over the house. We were lucky enough to think to take some at the hospital.

In February of this year, we found out that we were pregnant again! Imagine our excitement! Nickalaus would know be a big brother. My mom even bought him a shirt. We were all excited, including Nick. Then we found out that we were pregnant with twins!! Even more excited, and scared all at the same time. 

I had already read up and found out that most twins don't make it to birth. That one usually passes. I was fully prepared for that. I wasn't prepared for the news we got on March 31, 2011. We were loosing both babies. It was happening again! They would be my 5th loss. I shared about the story here. I went through denial, depression, and pure devastation! I couldn't believe had happened again. 

This has all had a traumatic effect on me. Honestly, I've decided to not have anymore kids because I can't deal with the loss anymore. I've been through enough and I'm too scared to do it again. Of course, we couldn't afford another baby right now either. I hadn't told a lot of people that. I know it sounds selfish. I should want a playmate for Nick, and I do. But my heart can't take the breaking anymore. See, I have high risk pregnancies. I have a blood clotting disorder that requires that I give myself a shot daily for the babies to live. That's why Benjamin didn't make it, because of a blood clot. 

Anyways, this isn't a pity post. I want to raise awareness. I want other mother's who've lost babies to know that they are not alone! I want all of the babies who have passed to be remembered. So I'm asking you all to please light a candle Saturday October 15th at 7pm in your time zone for one hour. Please remember them! 


  1. girl you are amazing. thanks for sharing your heart. I really appreciate it.. sending hugs your way!

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  3. I am so sorry for your losses. My heart hurts for you. I've also had miscarriages. They don't make you any less of a woman. There are lots of little ones who need adoptive families...maybe this would be an option for your son to have a sibling? God bless you and your family!

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. My cousin lost her baby girl. My heart goes out to both of you. Thank you for bringing out the awareness.

  5. What a beautiful post Kassandra. Thank you for raising awareness for this. I've also had miscarriages and I wanted you to know that I lit a candle yesterday. Whenever you see a sunset remember that your angels are painting pictures in the sky for you. Much Love, Brittany

  6. Thank you Brittany! I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you for lighting the candle, that was so sweet of you. I love the thing about the sunset. Every since he passed, the yellow butterflies seem to be around more. We always say it's Benjamin. :o) xo


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