Saturday, June 11, 2011

Happy Birthday })i({ Benjamin })i({

This is my sweet angel Benjamin David. There are watermarks all over it, because I would kill someone if they stole his picture and claimed him as their own, [yes some sicko's do that]. Today is his 4th birthday in Heaven. It's hard, and today is never a good day for me. I'm glad he's in a better place, but I wish that place was with us. So here's his story, if you want to read it.

On June 11, 2007 I had a regular doctors appointment. My mom, husband Jason, and brother Tyler went with me. I was 27 weeks pregnant and they doctor was trying to check the baby’s heart beat with the doppler. Well, no luck there, so he tried his ultrasound machine. Then sent me across the street to the hospital.
The ultrasound tech did the ultrasound, but said that I would have to wait for my doctor to get the results. So they sent me up to the maternity ward and gave me a room. I knew something was wrong, even though my family tried to stay positive. They doctor came in and said there was no heartbeat, that Benjamin had passed away. He wanted to induce my labor and have me deliver Benjamin vaginally. Which really upset me, because losing him was traumatic enough, I said no you can deliver him C-Section, so after much questioning about if I was sure, I finally said look I want a C-Section quit questioning me. I also had him order an autopsy. So my mom went into the operating room with me.
They had given me a spinal block and knocked me out.  Benjamin was delivered at 9:58 pm, he weighed 1lb 1.4oz and was 21 inches long. My mom cut his cord, and was the first person to hold him.  My dad, brothers Ryan & Tyler, and husband Jason all held him that night. I refused to, and I carry that guilt daily.  I did ask my wonderful nurse to see him the next night. I held him and cried and cried. Jason took pictures of Benjamin, and of Benjamin & I. I was so medicated and numb that I didn’t think to get pictures of Jason & Benjamin.
Before I left the hospital they gave me a keepsake box with his footprints, his hat he was wearing, and other keepsakes. They also gave me a Gund bear named Higgins. Klein funeral home graciously offered to pay for his burial and headstone. We buried him on June 19, 2007. We had him wrapped in the Winnie-the-Pooh material that my mom was going to make him a quilt in. We all wrote messages to him on it. I didn’t want to see him before we buried him because he had been cut open.
The autopsy showed that Benjamin had a thyroid problem and he suffocated. We later found out that he suffocated because I have a blood clotting disorder which causes my blood to clot too much. A blood clot blocked the umbilical cord, which caused him to suffocate, and the thyroid problem comes from my mom’s side.


5 comments:

  1. This post is so touching. I can't even imgaine how you felt and the pain that you went through. I hope you make it through this day okay.

    Blessings,
    Shar

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  2. Oh Kassandra, I am so sorry for your loss. As it's almost midnight I hope you'd made it through the day with your sanity in tact. :(

    What blood clotting disorder do you have? I had a miscarriage in December and 6 weeks after the doctors started running tests to see if I had anything that showed up and nothing did (they didn't do any pathology on the baby or my placenta when I had an abruption the first time around). I've heard from other women that sometimes it only shows up when you are pregnant and you're fine the rest of the time. I don't know but we're trying to get pregnant again and it's just not happening. :(

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  3. My heart aches for you and the loss of your little angel. I can't even imagine what it feels like on his birthday. I'm so sorry. :(

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