Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I've swallowed my pride

First of all. I had a wonderful anniversary and my parents watched Nick so Jason & I could go out to dinner. He had to work tonight so we can home around 830.

I've swallowed my pride, what was left of it. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing it because I'm upset and I need to get this out because it's eating me up. I'm 25 years old and if I don't take pain medicine during the day, then I have to use a cane to walk. When I don't have my anxiety medicine, I don't get much sleep and have trouble driving very far. I tend to freak out and have attacks or I'm a super bitch. I also struggle with severe depression, and when I don't take my medicine it's only a matter of time before I black out and pick a fight with my husband that my parents have to come over and mediate. I'm not proud of this at all. For awhile I wasn't taking my depression medicine, because I was in denial of it. I thought I was fine. Right now I have to wait until my Medicaid is cancelled from having the miscarriage, before I can go back to my doctor. I don't have any of my medicine. I have a few anxiety pills that I use only when I am at the end of the rope and I'm okay on the depression pills, just forgot to take them for a couple of days. I usually take a pain pill and muscle relaxer for my back daily, but I'm out of them. Why do I take them? I have degenerate bone disease, 2 bulging discs on my lower left side, slight scoliosis, and arthritis all in my back. My pain is acute and constant, there are some morning mostly winter, when I can't get out of bed and struggle to get my meds with my cane.

So, I did my research today for what I need to do to file for disability. I have to get my medical records and then I can file. I contacted a lawyer about what the odds were of me getting disability because of my age. I've been talking about it for awhile, but hadn't brought myself to do it. The real reason was my pride. It's upsetting.  There are days when I can't pick up my son, or do it sometimes when it only ends up hurting me in the end. I'm not supposed to lift heavy things, but I do sometimes because I'm stubborn and too damn head strong. I'd like to have another kid, but honestly I don't know if I could deal with it. I wouldn't be able to take my anxiety and depression medicine, and maybe not the pain medicine depending on the doctor. Then I feel awful if Nick doesn't have a sibling here on Earth. He knows his bubby, Benjamin, is in Heaven but he doesn't have one to beat up, love, and play with. Now I'm just babbling. I know that whatever God's will is for us will be, but I'm an impatient person lol. I'm sorry, this is me. This is what I deal with daily. This is what's inside my crazy head and it needed to be written. Disregard if you want, but this is the real Kassandra.


  1. Hugs to you hon! We're out here, write whatever you need too. And don't be concerned about the age issue...I have a good friend in NJ that deals with fibromilga (sp) and other pain related issues from a botched surgery...she is in her late 20's...and is on SSI. It is based on your ability...not your age.
    Wishing you the best!

  2. I'll ditto shawkl and say hugs to you too. This is your blog babe and you should feel completely free to write whatever you want...none of us are going to go anywhere just because you wrote something personal. Actually, it's the personal posts that catch my attention the most.

    We are here for you...and you know you can reach out to me whenever you want.



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